The Flood Gates Have Opened!

Maybe he should gear up every day!

As you all know, my boy had a little mishap with his bike last week and had to have some stitches to put him back together again. Well, last night we removed the offending stitches and I can honestly say that the injury flood gates have now opened!

If you have ever gone out drinking, especially beer, you know exactly what I am talking about. You are having a great time and all of the sudden it hits you that you have to pee. Do you immediately go to the rest room? NOOOOOO! You wait for as long as humanly possible because you know that minute you break the seal, you will spend the rest of the night going back and forth to that nasty bathroom. Once you open the flood gates there is no going back and there really isn't much worse than that.

Well, I think my boy has opened his injury flood gates. We had 7 1/2 glorious injury free years, other than the normal bumps and scratches, and now that time is done. Over. Finish. Kaput. Within the hour of removing his stitches he was accidentally run over by his friend with their bike. Bloody nose, scraped up knee (yes, the same one with the stitches), and pain. Lots of pain. Really, only one hour later. You have got to be kidding me!

Stitched up leg, getting better!

At least this time all it took was some toilet paper up the nose and a warm shower and all was better in his world. But now I live in fear. I knew his first set of stitches weren't going to be his last, but I didn't think he was going to be a homing beacon for all incoming catastrophes. It is like he is a magnet for trouble. Crap, the flood gates are opened.

Pet Peeve Monday!

Warning...the following blog might not be suitable for all ages. Not 100% sure how bad it is really going to get, but I am going to be talking about crap that pisses me off so it could get ugly. Just saying.

Things that are pissing me off (or did piss me off and I am still not over it) this fine Monday morning:

If you don't like the answer I just provided to your question, do you really think getting snotty with me is going to A. change my answer or B. help your cause in any way, shape or form?

Never marry a nice guy! Because when he is being a jerk and you try to bitch to your girlfriends about him they really don't believe you!

Don't post some lame ass open ended boo hoo comment on facebook and not explain yourself. Really...go fishing for sympathy often, do we?

Don't respond to said pathetic posts with support, especially if you really don't know what is going on. For all you know you are saying you are fully supporting someone that just shot their fricking nice guy spouse! Are you going to be there for them then?

Bagging grocery helper, when bagging groceries, do not put bread in with cans, bottles or other heavy objects. While you might enjoy misshaped and smushed bread, my kids won't touch the crap with a 10 foot pole. Thanks.

Maker of the self check out things at stores - FIX THOSE DAMN THINGS NOW! What is the use of self check out if every single time I try to use them I have to wait for a frigging person to either count my bananas or verify the bottles of cream soda haven't been swapped out for some beer.

Person who stole my Kids at Play sign this weekend. Do you really want to mess with that kind of karma dude? Stealing my sign so your kids can play safe while mine play speeding car roulette is only going to end bad for you. When that little bit of irony bites you in the ass it is going to suck. Just saying.

Warm gooey rice crispy treats...my bathroom scale says up yours!

What is the point of paying a crap load of money to have stitches put into my child for 7 - 10 days if they all fall out within 5?


That is all I can think of right now which is surprising because I feel far bitchier than that.

My Ultimate Mother's Day Wish List

Mother's Day has once again returned and this year I am bound and determined to get something or anything really, that I want. Last year we were traveling for an Ironman event my husband was participating in so the weekend was all about him. My family was quick to note that we went out of town for Mother's Day, but as lovely as St. George, Utah is, that trip had absolutely NOTHING to do about me. I don't even think I got a card. In fact, my husband got injured so I am pretty sure I spent my last Mother's Day driving across the scenic southwestern deserts. WOOOO HOOOO!

So this year my family is generously asking what I would like for Mother's Day. With the craptastic legacy they left behind last year, they really don't have to do much to make this year better. I could probably milk it for something really nice or maybe even a weekend trip someplace that I REALLY would like to visit, but instead what I truly want doesn't cost a thing.

My Ultimate Mother's Day Wish List 

(and feel free to add a comment if you think I might have forgotten something)

1. Do not fight with your sibling - I don't care whose fault it is, if it is or isn't fair or who started it first, but for a full 24 hours don't bitch, bicker, hit, punch, push, shove or even roll your fricking eyes at each other.

2. Clean up after yourselves - I would like to hang my maid uniform up for the day and not have to clean up after you all. What this also means is don't leave it for me to pick up on Monday, because in your little minds, Mother's Day would be over so I would be back to my normal duties.

3. Do your household chores without me nagging - if you are putting something in the trash can and you see that it is full, TAKE IT OUT! If you are outside and notice that the grass needs cut, CUT IT, ALL OF IT! Get the weed wacker out and do the edges too. I should not be the only person in this house that knows how to use power tools.

4. Pick a project - I have my pet peeves and you know them so on this sacred day of showing me some love, pick something that I am always stuck doing because it is a crappy job an no one else will do it. Clean out the garage (it is mostly toys anyway), do some laundry (how many towels do you people really need to use in one week), or maybe weed the yard. I am not saying they all have to be done...just pick one!

5. As much as I love a little peace and quiet, do not use Mother's Day as an excuse to go do something without me. That is just mean. If anyone is doing something fun around here it is ME and the words WINE and SPA should be included!

6. Make the meals and don't ask me what I want! I have to spend all week being a short order cook and master meal planner that on my one day of peace I really don't want to think about what to eat and I really don't want to make it. You all know what I like and as far as food is concerned there really isn't much I don't enjoy. Open the fridge/freezer and I am sure you will find something in there that will tickle me pink. BUT, please remember request #2 when you are through!

7. Let me touch the remote - for one day we can watch what I like to watch. I promise not to saturate the day with DIY shows or reality crap, but there are only so many times I can watch the same sport show and not go postal on everyone. If you can manage to peel it from your tight grasps, I will respect the power of the remote.

8. Let me sleep - I really envision some kind of extra sleep on Mother's Day. It could take the form of a lazy morning of sleeping in or my favorite, an afternoon nap. Here is the catch though, leave me be! Do not come bustling into my room and throwing yourself and your cold little feet under my covers. If you catch me drifting on the sofa, don't choose that time to have a rousing round of who can scream the loudest! Let a sleeping Momma lye, please.

9. Just Do It - and I am not talking the Nike commercial type of crap, I am talking about when I ask you to do something, JUST DO IT. Here is how it is going to roll...Me: "could you please take your shoes upstairs" You: "OK, Mom". OMG - did you see how easy that went. My blood pressure remained stable, I didn't have to resort to yelling at the top of my lungs to pick up your damn shoes and every one's day was a little brighter. Wow, that was refreshing.

10. Remind me why I do it - I love being the Mom, but sometimes it is a thankless, tireless, mundane, crummy, gross, exhausting and all around bummer of a job. Just throw a couple extra smiles my way, maybe an unexpected hug and kiss or the ultimate...a thanks.

Happy Mother's Day!

I am OLD!

I survived my daughter's birthday weekend...barely. The weekend was jammed full of stuff both for my girl and other normal suburban housewife crud. You know the kind, other birthday party gift purchases, mom taxi to parties, practices, private lessons, food shopping, and a donation drive. Then her slumber party, cleaning of the house, and a trip to an amusement park. How we fit all that into 48 hours and sleep a little is beyond me and I can tell you this Monday morning I am feeling the pain.

When I speak of pain I am talking about the just got hit by a semi truck and the SOB threw that monster in reverse and nailed me a few more times just for good measure. Between the lack of sleep, being up on my feet almost the entire weekend and a roller coaster ride from hell, the only thing I wanted to do today was pull up the covers and pretend that this Monday morning never existed. But noooooo, instead I forgot I said I would work today, what the heck was I thinking?

As I stood under the scorching heat of the shower spray this morning I felt old for the first time since I turned 4o this past summer. Up until this moment I really haven't felt old. I have felt older, like in the I can't drink like I used to and I really need to get some more sleep kind of older, but today I am OLD. My back is killing me, my head hurts and I am pretty sure I am catching a cold. What makes this even more pathetic is that I was asleep by 8:15 last night and I still feel like this today!

I even want to regurgitate tried and true old people phrases like "turn the music down" and throw in a "that crap isn't music anyway, not like the music from my day" just for good measure. I should of seen this coming when I recently started to watch VH1 Classics...and I not only know all the bands, but can sing along to what they refer to as "Classic Hits".   Pretty soon I am going to be telling the neighborhood kids stories that begin, "well, in MY day" and "you kids don't know how good you have it".

I firmly believe that the turning point of my recent aggressive aging process was the family visit to Knott's Berry Farm. Part of my daughter's birthday present was a seasons pass to the amusement park and neighboring water park. I am pretty sure I will NOT live to regret this decision. We visited the park for a few hours, which is one of the perks of season passes to anything, you don't feel the need to stay all day to get your money's worth. My husband and I haven't been to the park in years and this was the first time for both of our kids. It was a pleasant departure from the overwhelming crowds of Disneyland and we were enjoying the day. Then we decided to take one last ride before heading to the car. Big mistake, HUGE, awful, BIG MISTAKE.

In our ignorance we rode the Ghost Rider. Really, how bad could an old fashioned wooden roller coaster be? Well, let me tell you...IT WAS HELL! I literally felt that I had the sense knocked right out of me. The ride was so bumpy and bouncy that my boobs came out of my bra...and I was wearing a sports bra! The ride picture that they so generously take was absolutely hysterical, we all looked completely miserable. From about 15 seconds into the ride I began to pray that the torture would end immediately. By the end of the ride I was manically laughing because I could not believe the sheer pain, discomfort and woozy feelings that the previous 60 seconds created. And I paid good money to feel this crappy!

After our ride from hell we quickly, well as quick as we could manage given our physical incapacitation, evacuated the amusement park for the relative relaxing car ride home on the Southern California freeways. I can genuinely say that our trip home via the 91 freeway was down right pleasant in comparison to some of the rides we had just endured. As the kids happily napped in the backseat, my husband and I compared notes about our recent adventure. "OK, the green one we rode, did you blackout a little at the top?" YES "how about the swing one, feel a little dizzy during?" YES "how about the little one?" HATED IT.

So now we have seasons passes to an amusement park that we are almost positive is going to give our family lasting head trauma and various other ailments. After a 4 hour visit I can honestly say I have absolutely no desire to visit the park again. I am sure the kids will guilt us into another visit, but my OLD self will be kicking and screaming the whole way.

I knew getting older was going to suck...but being OLD has really thrown me for a loop. I am sure in the months to come more "old people" things are going to start creeping their way into my life. I already see the signs...dinners are getting earlier and earlier. It really doesn't seem weird to eat at 4:30 does it? I can rarely sleep in past 5:30 in the morning and I have started doing sudoku puzzles. I wont even mention the unusual places hair has begun to grow, how many reading glasses are floating around the house and the fact I was once know to always be a little chilly and now I am the first to blast the air conditioning at the first sign of a warm day.

Really, what more could happen...don't answer that, I think I want to be surprised!

A Real Emergency

My boy got hurt pretty bad today. In the 11 years that I have been a mom, today was the first time I had to rush one of my kids to the emergency room. While that is a pretty good track record and I should be thankful that we have gone this long without this milestone, it was the most awful feeling I have ever experience in my life and I NEVER want to go through that again. Although, if you know my boy you will surely understand when I say I know that is just a pipe dream and today's trip will surely not be my last.

I am lucky to have two very active kids. They are super athletic, love being outdoors and somehow acquired a competitive streak, not sure where that comes from (uncomfortable cough and now looking away). Our typical weekends are filled with activities and this weekend wasn't any different with football games, 2 days of a swim meet and a triathlon. What was on the unusual side was that the kids weren't doing the same events so my husband and I had to divide and conquer. For the record, I know I didn't conquer a dang thing and this weekend actually kicked me squarely in the butt.

So I was on the boy duty this morning as we left the house before 5am to check him into his triathlon. This was not his first one, in fact, this was his third, so we thought we knew what we were getting into. We stopped at Starbucks, blared some LMFAO on the car stereo and traveled for about an hour to get to the race. Everything was going great. We got his gear checked in, scouted out the area and had some time to relax before his event. We were having a great time.

My Boy Pre Race

My boy managed to position himself well for the swim start and was one of the first in his age group to come out of the water. His transition time from the swim to the bike was blazing fast! Any positions he gave up in the water he made up for when he raced onto the bike course. My pride and excitement were at an all time high as he made the quick loop giving me a big smile as he headed to the open road on his bike. The bike course is 3 or 4 miles long so there are just some parts that as a spectator you are not able to see, but that short of a distance usually doesn't take the kids too long to reappear. Within 10 minutes the first kids in his age group were returning. As I waited, my camera was poised ready to capture his triumphant return. After a few more minutes and a large number of kids returned I knew something was wrong. My boy is a fierce competitor and he should of been back. I knew.

Without even asking anyone I just ran for the medical tent. Ironically, at the same time I was running I saw an event car rushing to the same area. I can't tell you how I knew, but I knew my boy was in that car. I knew he was hurt. My heart ached and I cursed my feet for not being able to carry me faster. I needed to see him, hold him, tell him everything was going to be OK.

God Bless the wonderful crew in the medical tent. Although it couldn't of been more than a few minutes that he was there, they were already talking to him like they were old friends, distracting him from his pain and trying to clean out the gash. There was a lot of blood. The three of us instantly knew that it was pretty bad and with a shared glance we acknowledge that this was more than a band aide wound, but we weren't going to let our very shaken patient know. Quickly, we cleaned out the wound, packed the gash with ointment and bandaged him up.

OUCH!

My boy is tough. He is strong. He is brave. He amazed me today. The wound on his shin was deep and took 8 stitches to close up. He squeezed my hand when the pain got bad, but the only time he even cried a little was when I was holding him when we were alone. I would have gladly taken his pain as my own if I could, but I don't know if I could have handled it as well as he did. He is remarkable.

Now my remarkable little man is sleeping soundly probably dreaming of his next adventure which is not to occur in at least 7 - 10 days per doctor's orders. Keeping him down is going to be a challenge but as I sit here being too exhausted to sleep I am forever grateful for that challenge and the fact that it was only 8 stitches and nothing more. I showered him with all his favorite things tonight, pizza, ice cream and new games on the iPad. Tomorrow I am keeping him home from school under the pretense that the wound has to be protected the first 24 hours so the skin has an opportunity to begin the healing process. What is really happening is that I am afraid to let him go. I need him near me just a little longer, his presence reassuring me that he is in fact, OK.

Today reminded my how much I love my children. They are everything that is bright and right in my world and I would be lost without them. It was also the first time I truly saw one of my children in real pain and I couldn't do anything to take it away. Today I truly know what it means to be a mother bear. I have protected my kids from bullies, broken friendships, unforgiving teachers and being overlooked by those they thought they could trust. I have fought when I thought they were wronged even when they themselves didn't understand it. None of that prepared me for today. I laid in a hospital bed with my child wrapped in my arms and that was all I could do. But I can tell you, there is absolutely nothing in this world that would have been able to pry him away from me.

I hope that when the time comes for me to let them go I will be able to, but please God, please not anytime soon.

Party Time!

My baby girl is turning 11 this week so her Dad and I are throwing her a slumber party this weekend. Our house will be taken over by a bunch of little girls, giggling, whispering, playing games and making a ton of noise. If I were normal I would be dreading the whole evening, but instead I am kicked into full party planning gear and I couldn't be happier. In fact, my little girl is trying to reign me in and has warned me to not go overboard. She wants me to keep it low key, not like all the other parties I throw. Who is this child? I demand a maternity test because this girl can't be mine!

My baby Girl

I LOVE a good party. I really love MY parties. I get the deepest pleasure from opening my home, feeding people a ton of great food, concocting tasty drinks and watching those near and dear to me have a good time. I spend months planning a really big party and each moment is pure bliss for me. Well, maybe not pure bliss, the last 24 hours can get a little hairy and my husband and I are rarely speaking to each other when the first guests arrive. Rest assured though, by the time the last guests leave we are happily sharing a plate full of leftovers, laughing about all the wonderful things that happened the few short hours before and contemplating when the next big shin ding should occur.

I am also the expert at justifying any and all reasons to have a party. Holidays are my specialty, but really, I can celebrate any day that ends with a "y". Recently we were invited to some friend's house for a BBQ and my girlfriend's husband asked who was coming. As she was rattling off the short list her husband asked if I was going to be attending, which I was, and he simply stated "If she is going to be here it isn't just a BBQ, it will be a party".  Although I am not 100% sure his statement was a compliment, I took it as such and no one can tell me differently. After all, it was a day that ended with a "y" so if pressed I am sure I had a reason we should of been having a party.

I am not sure when my love of parties began or when I started throwing multiple parties each year, but I can tell you they were born out of necessity. Once we had kids my husband and I really became home bodies, which is crippling for an extroverted person like myself. They say having kids changes everything and it sure did for me. While we still enjoyed going out, having a good time, relaxing with friends, we were terrified to leave our kids with anyone. We even tried a sleepover with my parents when our daughter was 2 but after multiple unanswered phone calls we left the office party in a panic and rushed to see what awful tragedy had occurred to our precious baby girl. Imagine our shock when we arrive and found everyone asleep with the TV blaring so loud it drowned out the sound of the telephone. No, babysitters of any kind were not for us.

Meanwhile, all our friends also started to have kids of their own and we knew we weren't the only ones with the attachment parent issues. I fully admit it wasn't the kids that had the separation anxiety, it was us! So, instead of finding suitable childcare, paying the astronomical amount for said suitable provider (because if they are good, they won't be cheep) and then adding on the additional cost of the actual date, we began to stay home and invite other families to join us. It was a win win for everyone. In fact, one of the first big get together we had I hired a babysitter to hang out with the kids, do crafts and handle the little stuff so the parents could really relax without the constant interruption little ones supply. It was awesome! Now that our kids are older and more self sufficient it is much easier...trampoline in the back, a couple of games the older ones can control and lots of new outside balls and sidewalk chalk. EVERYONE is happy!

Our Halloween Witch's Brew

We have gotten so good at it that we are actually know for our annual Halloween party. Halloween is our big blow out of the year and absolutely everything is over the top. Kid game, goodie bags, enough food to feed a small country, drinks, fire pit, chocolate fountain and just about everyone comes dressed in costume. Halloween is my favorite holiday because I get to throw a party of gigantic proportions and my husband just sits back and watches me make the magic happen. He lets me roll with it because he knows it will be great and he knows it makes he happy to my core. I guess he gets the same thing out of it as I do, he likes to see me happy and it makes me happy to see everyone else happy. By the end of the evening our living room is usually a dance floor, kids and moms dancing, people sweating, laughing and carrying on. Occasionally a husband will take a disturbing home video of a mom getting her grove on and just like that our house party goes viral! Disneyland has nothing on our house, at Halloween we are the happiest place on earth!

All this talk of a party makes we want to throw one...hmmmm...summertime is almost here and my best friend is coming to visit. Sounds like a reason to party to me!

Christmas in July!

I just got the best news today! My all time greatest bestest friend in the whole wide world is coming to visit me this July! I am so over the top excited the only thing I can compare it to is the feeling you had as a child waiting for Christmas to arrive. I don't get to see my friend that often because she lives in another country on another continent a whole big ocean away! I miss her terribly and the joy she brings into my life is unexplainable.

The bonus of the trip is that her significant other is visiting as well. It is very rare to like your best friend's new squeeze but I can genuinely say that I love hers, the joy he brings to my girlfriend, and he just makes me smile. He is also one of the easiest house guests we have ever had. Being from a Scandinavian country he was completely taken in by all of our American excesses. I managed to impress him with Costco, factory outlet malls and the many many wineries we have within 5 minutes of our home. During their stay with us we enjoyed numerous trips to bulk warehouses, massive amounts of fresh crab meat, and never ending glasses of wine. It was two wonderful weeks of shopping, rich food and delicious wine. I had died and gone to hostess heaven.

So now I have the opportunity to not only redo our last visit, but to make this one even better. When they were here last time, we had just moved into our home and we were fairly unfamiliar with what our area had to offer. Two years later and I am practically a native and I am ready to show off our town and the awesome people that live here. Of course there will be trips to the wineries, but now I know people and people know me! There will be an evening of dancing at the greatest biker bar I have ever gone to! New restaurants to try, live music venues and home BBQ. I can't wait!

So to that big "Santa" in the sky, thanks for my Christmas in July.