Mini Van Land

I will begrudgingly admit that I am a "Soccer Mom". Yes, my main job is to cart my little creations here and there to their various activities, play dates, birthday parties, appointments and the such. I live in a community that being a stay at home mom is the norm and let me tell you that means one thing...an abundance of Mini Vans.

I have come to believe that when one purchases a mini van there is some fine print that is not included on other vehicle purchase agreements. Namely, you must give up the portion of your brain that will allow you to drive like a normal human being. Now, I have plenty of friends that drive these offending abominations to the road, and while they are wonderful, witty and intelligent people out of their vehicles I firmly believe that the mini van literally sucks their brain once they enter the drivers seat. The sucked out portion is replaced with the can't make a left turn, four way stop shut down and parking lot paralysis.

These afflictions make dropping off my children at their local elementary school a trial of both my patience and sanity. Every morning I enter the mini van breeding ground and I can feel my ability to function begin to be drained from their mere presence. By the time I am done in the drop off loop my fingers are griping the wheel and my foot is begging for the open road. Blood pressure is off the charts and the urge to just ram something is at times overwhelming. The process from start to finish is approximately 6 minutes. The most hated 6 minutes of my day.

Maybe it effects me more because I like to drive. I am a driver. I enjoy the open road, the feel of a powerful engine, the responsiveness of an excellently built vehicle and I am pretty sure I am the long lost daughter of an Andriette or Ferrari in my Italian heritage. My husband is a driver as well. When we go on family vacations we almost always drive unless there is a big ocean in the way. Although, once we get over the ocean we head straight to the rental agency and pile into our vehicle of choice. We even rented an RV in Europe for 2 weeks and had the time of our lives, once the jet lag wore off.

I even enjoy "Dude" movies if the right car is involved. Just this week I have watched The Italian Job (being Mini owners we LOVE this film) and the Transporter (a BMW and Jason Statham does life get any better?). I have even ordered the soundtrack from the Transporter from Switzerland because the US version does not have the awesome mix they play during his driving scenes. My husband is a little nervous for the CD to arrive because he knows this means a road trip and maybe a little role playing in the car. I might even let him be the Jason Statham character once or twice.

In the meantime I am sentenced to my life in Mini Van Land and the dreaded 6 minute loop of hell. I will resist the brain sucking power of these mighty beasts and vow to help those afflicted by their mind altering side effects. I will offer to drive whenever possible and remind all those around me what the true driving experience should be. Windows down, hair blowing, radio cranked, open road, engine revving all while hugging a tight turn. Ahhh, the joy of driving...aww crap, time to pick them up!